What I'm doing now, you don't understand.

I hate to listen to the same music over and over. Believe it or not, sometimes I get tired of listening to true crime podcasts. Today, I decided to give Westside’s podcast a chance. I chose the episode titled “The Gospel of John // Believe.” Fitting.

The gap between expectation and experience is where people start to let go of their faith in God. I’m guilty of this. A few months ago, I made a decision that I thought God told me to make. I followed what I thought he asked of me for the first time ever. I expected this epiphany. I expected the heavens to open, this beam of light to shine down on me, and my faith skyrocket. Instead I fell further and further from Jesus. I’ve experienced more chronic depression in the last 5 months than ever. I don’t feel called to go to church. I don’t want to open my bible. I have no desire to listen to worship music. I don’t hear God's voice. I feel abandoned, let down, disappointed, angry, numb, withdrawn, resentful, the list goes on. As a reward for my faithfulness, I expected freedom in return. I feel like God didn’t hold up his end of the deal. There is a gap between my expectations of God and the reality that I’m living in. To say I’m struggling with my belief and faith is an understatement.

As I listened to the podcast, mindlessly driving down I-5, my ears perked up when I heard Dom start talking about a woman he was prayed with. She told Dom that she became a Christian a year ago, and her life since then has been nothing but difficulty and turmoil. Granted, I’ve identified as a follower of Jesus for much longer. But her story resonated with me. She and I were expecting smooth sailing after such a milestone in our faith. Instead of answered prayer, we heard crickets. We thought God would show up when we needed Him most. Instead we felt disappointment and betrayal. In the depths of the trenches, in the middle of the battlefield, we feel abandoned.

At this point, I’m on the edge of spiraling down into a hole of depression. I hear Dom say “But the Lord has not forgotten you,” and my eyes filled with tears. Fast forward about 5 minutes in the lecture and Dom starts talking about the night of the Last Supper. After Jesus had taken the bread and the cup with his disciples, he dresses down in servant’s clothing and washes their feet. As Jesus approaches Peter, Peter pulls his feet away wondering why his teacher would stoop to such a level. It should be the other way around. But Jesus said to Peter: “What I’m doing now, you don’t understand. But you will understand someday” in reference to the crucifixion that was about to take place.

Right now, I'm Peter. I don’t understand why I’m anxious. I don’t understand why I’m depressed. I don’t understand why I lost my job. I don’t understand why my friends moved away. I don’t understand why God hasn’t answered my prayers. I just don’t understand. My faith has been shaken. But I got the strongest feeling this afternoon that I will understand soon. It’s coming. God comes to meet us in the darkness, the wilderness of life.

That's where I am. I'm lost and frantically looking for a way out of this desert. Here we go, God.