February Life Update

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted on here. Life just gets really busy, you know? Actually, it’s only been two months. But two months seems like such a long time, so here’s what has been on my mind.

I’m still going through a more intensive treatment plan for my anxiety and panic. Twice a week for an hour and a half of exposure therapy. Most of the time I feel like I’ve plateaued. I saw improvements right away in the ways that I physically cope with panic symptoms. I’ve learned to listen to my body and acknowledge the fact that my brain has perceived a threat, but not necessarily give the anxiety the time of day. Yeah I feel anxious, I feel anxious most days. I don’t have time for it. I have shit to do and people that count on me.

Last year around this time, I was getting ready to board a plane to Dallas, Texas for Nationals. I hate everything about being on an airplane. The smell, the germs, sitting so close to someone you don’t know, the lack of leg room and controllable air temperature, that feeling you get in your head when the pilot makes a huge turn, when the flight attendants are blocking the aisle with their stupid beverage cart. I could go on for weeks. The thing I hated most about flying, especially flying with the team of girls that I coach, is that there wasn’t anywhere for me to run and hide if I did have a panic attack. (Spoiler alert: If you look back and read that sentence again, you’ll notice it’s in past tense).

I still loathe all of those things about traveling on an airplane. But, in a year’s time I learned that, for me, anxiety and discomfort come with traveling. That’s just how it is for me. If I fight it and try to avoid it, it gets worse. If I expect to experience a few symptoms here and there, I’ve noticed that panic isn’t able to hit me quite as hard.

Two weeks ago, I was in Palm Springs and seven days later was on the road again to another competition in Tacoma. I was able to enjoy every second of it. I fully expected panic to weasel its way in somehow, and it did, but I was too busy taking pictures of every freakin’ palm tree in Southern California to pay any attention to it.

I noticed this on the drive home from Tacoma. Abby was sitting in the passenger seat of my car and I turned down the music. “I’m just going to brag about myself for a second,” I said. “I was able to be 100% for these kids the last two weekends because I’ve been working so hard to conquer this beast of an anxiety disorder. I could pump them up in the warm-up room and before they performed because I was more concerned with their performances and their state of mind than my own.”

“I’ve really noticed a huge difference, and I’m so proud of you, Paca.” I hope Abby knows how much of an impact that simple sentence had on me. A few happy tears quietly trickled down my cheeks as I turned the music back up.

I haven’t really had time to reflect on all of the little victories over the last two months, and having back-to-back road competitions has finally caught up with my immune system. But I would rather lose my voice than have a panic attack any day.