Hello, Old Friend.

I haven’t posted in three weeks because I told myself that this would not become a job, a burden, or a stressor. So here’s an update:

Over the last few weeks I’ve been working on being comfortable with being alone. When I say alone, I don’t mean romantically. I’m talking about being physically alone. By myself. In my room, in my car, at the gym, at work. On the weekends, during the week, in the morning, at night. I live with my parents, but like I’ve said in previous entries, I’m socially isolated. This has been a huge trigger for depression. I get stuck in a rabbit hole of negativity.

“I’m not worth anyone’s time.”

“I don’t want to bother them, they’re too busy to make time for me.”

“I’m so awkward to hang out with.”

“I just need to get used to being alone.”

“Every time I open up, they just leave.”

And so on…

It’s a dangerous, slippery slope that’s very difficult to get out of. Most of the time, I go home and turn on my tv to avoid thinking any more. I go to work and put every effort into service, hoping that it will fill the hole. I go to cheer practice and pour every ounce of encouragement that I need into my girls, so they know how loved they are. But recently I’ve been doing my best to allow these thoughts to come. I welcome the emptiness. It doesn’t define me, but it is a part of my story.

I’m not really sure why, but once I get past the sadness depression is strangely comforting. It’s something that’s always been around. I don’t really know what life looks like without it. Depression is almost like an old friend. Sometimes you lose touch. You and your friend don’t speak for months, or years, but somehow you always find ways back to each other and you pick up right where you left off.

Unfortunately, I don’t go more than a week without speaking to Depression. But, I’ve been blessed with a lot of drive and determination. Somehow I still make it to the gym for quick workouts. I manage to make it to therapy three times a week. I call up Abby so we can sit on the couch and do nothing together. I’m doing my best. And one day, I’ll go two weeks without speaking to that friend. Then I’ll go a month, maybe 6 months. I don’t think it will ever go away permanently. That’s just not a realistic expectation. But someday I’ll be able to be live in the moment without wondering when Depression will call me up.

I look forward to the day when I realize that I’m living life in full color. Seeing the world’s beauty around every corner. It may not be tomorrow, or next week. But it’s coming.