Psych 101

Growing up, I never really understood what anxiety actually was. I just assumed that I was over sensitive to everything and there was nothing I could do to change. I've lived with panic disorder for as long as I can remember and have had too many panic attacks to count. I know my triggers, and I know the underlying fears that send my body into a downward spiral. Everyone is different, but my biggest fears are throwing up (emetophobia) and the fear of panic (agoraphobia).

Over the years I've seen psychologists and counselors but have completely avoided the actual therapy to help me cope with the panic symptoms. Until now. Three to four times a week, I induce the panic. I willingly put myself through the heart pounding, head spinning, chest tightening, muscles clenching, lungs suffocating, stomach churning, exposure therapy.

If you've ever taken a science class, then you've heard the term "survival of the fittest." In order to survive, every living creature has a hard-wired fight-or-flight response to danger. It's how our bodies quickly decide whether to stay and fight off a potential threat or run away from the perceived danger. In an anxious brain (almost 20% of the American population) the fight-or-flight system is overly sensitive, and a brain plagued by panic disorder (1-2% of the aforementioned 20) even more so.

Now, I'm not a neuroscientist, so bear with me as I try my best to explain this...

Panic attacks are terrifying. It literally feels like I'm dying every time I have one, so naturally when I'm in a situation where I might have one my brain sends an alert to the rest of my body that danger is close. My heart starts to race, I start to sweat, my body trembles uncontrollably, I start to hyperventilate and it feels like an elephant is standing on my chest, I get nauseous (probably the worst part for me), my head spins, and I start feeling detached from reality. In response to these symptoms I exhibit what professionals call "safety behaviors," physical responses I use to cope with the panic and use to avoid the psychological pain that I'm experiencing. I breathe in sharply through my nose and hold my breath. I pull out pieces of hair. I pinch, slap, and bruise my thighs. I scratch at my wrists and shoulders. I pace back and forth. I get the fuck out of wherever I am so no one sees me at such a vulnerable state. I don't care what happens. I don't care what the cost is. I just want it to stop. The worst part about safety behaviors is that the longer I engage in them, the more I rely on them to feel ok, and the worse my panic gets.

In the middle of a panic attack, all logic and reasoning goes out the window. So, the first step to getting through the panic is understanding what is actually happening in my body. My brain has perceived a danger, so it releases a chemical called norepinephrine, triggers the release of adrenaline and initiates fight-or-flight response. My heart pumps faster to get blood and oxygen to the muscles in my legs so I can run. As the demand for oxygen increases, I start to breathe faster in order to take in more air, resulting in the lightheaded sensation. I feel nauseous because my digestion has shut down to conserve energy.

Flash back to yesterday afternoon. It was 3:45 and I had just finished a leg workout. My stomach starts to hurt and I'm lightheaded. Instead of jumping off the deep end and expecting the worst, I took a step back and really concentrated on the facts of the situation. I completed an entire leg workout. My body is tired and deprived of oxygen, of course I'm going to be breathing heavily to get more air. My heart is working hard to get blood to my muscles, so obviously it's going to be pounding. Sure my stomach hurts, because the energy used in digestion needs to be used elsewhere. Despite my focus on logic and reasoning, the anxiety didn't stop.

Instead of engaging in safety behaviors, I hit the showers. I concentrated on the sensation of the cold water hitting the top of my head and tracking every drop down to my toes. I took deep, measured breaths. I stretched every muscle as far as it could. By the time I got out of the shower, the anxiety was washed away.

I survived.

Not every instance will be this easy, but practice makes perfect.