Hey Jesus, I don't know what I'm doing...

If you know me, you know that I grew up in a Christian-Lutheran home. I was baptized, first "communioned", confirmed, and baptized again. We celebrated Christmas and Easter every year on top of going to Sunday school in our best Sunday clothes. While my parents never forced my sister and I to do anything we didn’t want to, I personally went because I knew it made them happy. I told myself that I had to go to class on Sunday and worship on Wednesday when sports allowed.

When I was a freshman in high school, my mom encouraged me to attend YoungLife club, which I continued for four years because I had friends that went and all of the cool kids went. Fast forward to college, at a catholic school. My first year, I refused to set foot inside a chapel. To this day, I don’t think I ever went inside one on campus. I’m just not a big fan of Catholicism (I’ll get to why in a minute) and almost felt unwelcome because of it. I went on to lead a group of YoungLife girls my senior year and first year as a college grad because I felt like Jesus was calling me to it. Two years later I’ve fallen away from it because (I hate to admit it) I didn’t prioritize it. And that’s kind of how the last few years of my faith have been. I don’t prioritize Jesus and he’s kind of just a thought in the back of my mind.

I have a lot of the same thoughts every one else has. If Jesus loves me, why do I feel like I want to die all the time? If God is real, why am I cursed with Anxiety. If my Lord and Savior died for me, then why do others sin against me and get away with it. Why is the world we live in such a horrible place? I don’t know, and I’ll never know either. I’m in a season of discouragement. I don’t feel like there’s a point to having faith, and I’ve felt this way for a really long time if I’m being honest. Darkness has taken over so much of my heart that joy seems unattainable. I envy those around me that stay so grounded in Jesus and are able to put so much faith into something they can’t see. My friend Kenzie has such a light in her and cares so much for every human being that she will stop a conversation to help someone across the street in their wheelchair (I’m not kidding, she actually did this the other day in the middle of our conversation at work. It was so inspiring to witness). My friend Hannah reminds me that without these dark seasons, the joy and peace that we experience every now and again wouldn’t have any meaning.

A while ago, I watched a sermon that a pastor from Westside: A Jesus Church gave. It was about callousness towards God. How sometimes we just reach a point where we don’t feel the importance, or we just feel that God is so silent in our lives that we stop putting our faith in Him. We constantly ask God to prove himself to us. “Ok Jesus, if you’re real then show me something. Perform a miracle in me.” As I’m writing this, and I shit you not, I heard God say “Be Still”. Psalms 46:10. The pastor ended with a verse from Ezekiel 36. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

I test God. I know I shouldn’t because that’s not what faith is, but I do. One of these days He will use my calloused heart. I don’t know how, but He will.