Beauty from Ashes

Almost all of what I’ve written so far has been pretty dark. At the beginning I told you that this content would be unfiltered, so don’t be surprised. I’ll be honest, it’s really hard to find happy things to write about when you carry such a heavy heart. It’s hard not to listen to heavy music when you’re not in the mood to belt out a verse of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” And it’s even harder to serve all of the people that walk into your work when you feel like crying half of the time. But that’s reality.

I found the energy to open my bible last week to the book of Matthew. I started reading in chapter 5, the introduction to Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. I read the following and nearly broke down in tears:

“He said, ‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, because theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:3-10.

Most of the time (if and when) I open my bible I read a lot of words that have lost their meaning. I feel empty. I feel indifferent. I feel numb to the word of God. I’ve heard all of the stories before and Jesus is kind of just this guy that walked the earth and did cool stuff for people. But this time I was reminded why the Bible is a living, breathing text. I felt comfort of the Spirit’s arms around me and I was able to take a full, deep breath. Depression is dark and ugly, terrifying and debilitating, but there is something beautiful about the wilderness. Some of the most beautiful things in life can come from suffering if we look for it. Hillsong United has a song called “There’s Another in the Fire.” The chorus goes, “There’s another in the fire standing next to me. There’s another in the water holding back the seas. And should I ever need reminding of how I’ve been set free, there’s a cross that bears the body where another died for me.” Right now, those words could not be more true.

I forget all too often to look around for the beautiful things that only God himself could have created for his children. The color of the leaves as the seasons change. The comfort in a friend’s voice on the other end of the phone. The sound of my girl’s laughter as they take their water break at practice. There are so many beautiful things to live for in this world, and sometimes you have to dig deeper to find them. But it’s worth it.